


Terrifying Woman or That One Time Kaidan Met Space Jesus and She Was a Human Disaster

by sirconnie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drug Use, Gen, POV Kaidan Alenko, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 07:44:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7968292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirconnie/pseuds/sirconnie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>ok so I wrote this silly thing one night and I can’t believe how much came out of me from this silly idea of my Shepard being auctioned (let’s just ignore the racial implications there…for my health) and then I threw the Canadian in there and it turned into a quick meet-cute that’s less cute than I planned lmao also i threw in some art bcs i never rly draw kaidan and i’ll use any excuse to draw my darling girl</p><p>right ok here we go</p><p>(i got a little lazy towards the end sigh it’ll get a little corny bear with me)</p>
    </blockquote>





	Terrifying Woman or That One Time Kaidan Met Space Jesus and She Was a Human Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> ok so I wrote this silly thing one night and I can’t believe how much came out of me from this silly idea of my Shepard being auctioned (let’s just ignore the racial implications there…for my health) and then I threw the Canadian in there and it turned into a quick meet-cute that’s less cute than I planned lmao also i threw in some art bcs i never rly draw kaidan and i’ll use any excuse to draw my darling girl
> 
> right ok here we go
> 
> (i got a little lazy towards the end sigh it’ll get a little corny bear with me)

 

art by me (itsnobbie.tumblr.com)

After surviving Brain Camp, dealing with the prejudices that come with being a biotic, a grueling military career, his father’s vocal disapproval of said military career, and continuing to suffer through migraines that barely manage not to make him vomit his entire digestive system most of the time, Kaidan figures he’s had (and currently has) enough on his plate to last a few dozen lifetimes.

But, the universe, in all its mystery and majesty, loves to take any opportunity to prove him wrong. 

Which is why he’s tugging at the collar of his slightly too tight dress blues and not quite wincing at the impending headache he can feel growing behind his eyes. The champagne he’d snatched off of a wandering server’s plate is a weak lifeline, but it’s keeping him from looking as uncomfortable as he feels standing in a well-lit corner of the party hall and talking to no one. He takes a sip - his third one in the past hour - and grimaces the same way he’d done the last two times. He really hates the sparkly, watered-down stuff they serve at these things.

‘These things’ being yet another gala he’s been ordered to attend. This time it’s a charity event for the biotic division in the fairly new Grissom Academy, so at least this time it’s something relevant. Usually he’s herded around for causes that he has little to no opinion on, like the conservation of some animal he’d never even heard of. He hadn’t minded going to this one for the sake of biotic kids who deserve a better time learning about their abilities than he did. His suit is very nearly suffocating him and what little conversation he’d been roped into with the other party guests had little to do with the gala’s actual cause, but it’s fine, he can handle it.

If he couldn’t, he’d actually accept the Hallex that’s been offered to him about four times by random partygoers. Obviously, he politely declined, and judging from the way some of these people are swaying on their feet and laughing louder than strictly appropriate, he’s part of a minority.

He knows why he’s here. The Alliance doesn’t exactly make it subtle that he’s their poster boy for a functioning human battery. He’s the Good Biotic, the one who never lost his mind or joined a cult or fell into poverty and addiction. They can use him to push for more funding or even convince others like him to join the army.

Kaidan gets that. He knows his role. He isn’t happy about it, but he’s worked too hard to keep a clean record despite everything that happened in Jump Zero to refuse his superior officers now. And, again, it’s for a good cause, a legitimate cause. They’ve even gotten Commander Shepard to be involved, judging from all the posters with her famous grin flashing at them from practically every vid screen in the room. Apparently, they’re auctioning off a date with her, which explains the unprecedented number of guests for a biotic charity function. There are other special guests being auctioned as well, but _they’re_ not the ones on all the promos.

He hasn’t seen Shepard at all at the party, though he’s heard her name in excited murmurs all night in between the soft music coming from the live Asari band onstage. He idly wonders if she’s even going to show up, and if she does, what would he do? Probably nothing, since she’d be swarmed by the other guests with no way to get to her. He’s never seen her in person before, but he’s heard eyewitness accounts. They usually have this dreamy look in their eyes whenever they talk about her, which is all the time, seeing as anyone who’s been in contact with the commander likes to brag about it endlessly. He’s seen her in vids and photos and, sure, she’s attractive, but he’s not sure if he’d get dazzled like that if he ever meets her.

Well, he likely won’t tonight. The place is packed and he doesn’t have nearly enough energy to go looking. He’ll just stand in his corner, drinking gross champagne, and waiting for the appropriate moment to leave. Just another couple of hours, then.

“Lieutenant.” He turns to see Admiral Greer walking up to him, looking as prim and sharp as ever.

“Admiral.” He straightens automatically and nods, knowing from his forced media training that saluting at a party would be ‘gauche’. “Are you enjoying the party?”

“Not particularly, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about,” she answers curtly, always quick to the point. “You need to go backstage and get ready. You’re going to be auctioned in a few minutes.”

Kaidan nearly chokes on his drink. “I’m _what?_ ” Greer raises a pale eyebrow at him and he adjusts his tone immediately, clearing his throat as he does. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I wasn’t aware–”

“I realize it’s last minute,” she says, cutting him off as easily as anything. “The person who’s supposed to be here cancelled, so, I suggested you as a replacement.”

“I…” Kaidan lets the sentence trail off because he has no idea what to say that wouldn’t get him court-martialled. He hasn’t been working with Greer for long, but she has a reputation of striking down soldiers who cross her. He’d rather not test the legitimacy of that statement. She nods towards the stage and gives him an expectant look. He barely holds back a sigh and drops his glass on a nearby table before marching off in that direction, straight-backed and furious.

He can’t believe this is being dropped on him. Actually, he can, since that’s all these higher-ups seem to do with him, drop random events and appearances on his schedule so they can show him off wherever they feel like. This is a whole other level, though. Now he’s being forced to go on stage and be _bought_ , pretending this whole situation isn’t making him want to throw himself off the highest tower on the Citadel. He realizes now that he might actually be in that tower tonight and how easy it would be to pull off just that.

He sighs - no, he’s not going to off himself because another superior officer is dicking him over. It’s fine, he can deal with this. The sooner he gets on that stage and gets this over with, the sooner he can go home and try to sleep off this headache that’s getting dangerously close to migraine territory. He almost wishes now that he’d accepted the drugs. He finds his way backstage and sees a human stagehand gesturing wildly to him.

“Great, you’re here,” they say quickly as soon as he approaches them. They point to the far wall and talk so rapidly, Kaidan can barely keep up. “Alright, now stand over there and the M.C. will call you up. I’ve just gotta get this change in the lineup over to her and you’re set.” They nod and leave him there, barking words into their headset that he can’t begin to understand.

Well. At least he’s getting right to it. He does as he’s told and goes to his designated spot. He leans against the wall in a fit of deep exhaustion, glad there isn’t anyone he needs to stay upright for back here. He lets the chatter and buzz of activity coming from the party and harried backstage workers wash over him, the noise grating, but it can’t make his throbbing head any worse, so it’ll do. He can hear the M.C. begin the introductions and his stomach churns.

He’s so tired of this. When will he stop being the Alliance’s favorite biotic and just have a normal military career? Probably never, seeing as the second he gets on that stage and agrees to being bought for a night, he’s opening himself up to even more of this crap. He knows from experience that this is just another part of the grandstanding he’ll have to tolerate while he’s an Alliance soldier. Next, they’ll probably have him doing promos and grand openings. Maybe even throw heavy objects around at birthday parties. The thought of it makes him ill. More ill. He’s so wrapped up in his own frustration, he doesn’t notice someone leaning on the wall next to them until they speak.

“First time getting auctioned?” Kaidan turns to see who’d spoken before he freezes. There, standing right next to him like it’s perfectly normal and looking what just might be the perfect combination of slouchy and sophisticated, is Commander Shepard. _The_ Commander Shepard. And he’s just gawking at her like a moron while she looks back at him, smiling patiently.

Eventually, he gathers his wits enough to eloquently say, “You’re–” before practically choking on the words.

She tilts her head at him. “I’m…?”

“Y–you’re Shepard!” he blurts before hastily correcting himself. “I mean, _Commander_ , you’re–” He clears his throat, his face burning. “You’re Commander Shepard. Ma’am.”

She looks down at herself for a moment. “Well, whaddaya know.” She laughs. “I guess I am. And you are?”

“Kaidan. Alenko. Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, ma’am.” He salutes, too flustered to remember not to. She gives him a lazy salute back and slants him another grin.

“That’s a really long name. I’m just gonna call you Guy. How’s that sound?”

“That’s fine, ma’am.” He’d let Commander Shepard call him a pile of hot garbage if she wanted. Of all the superior officers he needs to be in good with, she’s probably the most important. 

“Great. So, is this your first time, Guy?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She huffs out a laugh. “I figured. You’re all stiff. It’s not good for the auction. They pay more when you smile.” As if to emphasize her point, she shoots him that same grin he’s seen gracing the cover of magazines and lighting up virtual billboards. Being exposed to it in person is a little overwhelming. He must’ve been obvious about it, because she laughs again and says, “See? Everybody likes a good smile.”

He wants to say that not everyone can pull out a perfect smile like she can, but he nods instead. They then stand in silence, giving Kaidan ample opportunity to get a good look at her while he still can - she’s tall, absurdly tall. It’d been obvious from photos that she’s got considerable height, but it’s entirely different to see in real life. He has to tilt his head up to look her in the eye, but then, he probably wouldn’t if she wasn’t so close. They’re standing nearly shoulder to shoulder, her casual and easy and him rigid and trying very hard not to sweat.

She’s gorgeous, because of course she is. It isn’t the first thing he notices, but it’s definitely taking over his thoughts now. Her cheekbones are ridiculous, as is the perfect dark skin that covers them. He remembers seeing that face for the first time in one of her early photoshoots, something with some model he can’t remember the name of now. He’s not one to join one of her several fanclubs or collect her many other famous shots, but he’ll never forget that one in particular. He’s a healthy flesh-and-blood bisexual man and an intimidating woman in a tailored suit will always make him weak. Much like how he’s feeling right now as he stares at the commander in her unsurprisingly perfect formal wear. She wears it like she was born in it and he can’t look away.

Her hair is combed meticulously to one side in the same short, coiffed look she’s been sporting for the past five years, if Kaidan remembers right (and he does, since that hairstyle was the one thing entertainment media couldn’t seem to stop talking about from the day she’d suddenly chopped it). A single, meticulously curled strand of dark hair falls over her forehead in a deliberately playful manner. It hangs just above piercing eyes that he’s only just noticed are pointed directly at him.

He starts, “I’m sorry, I, uh–” She laughs while he stammers through his apology.

“Don’t worry, I’m used to it.” She turns to him curiously. “Are you supposed to be Shari’s replacement?”

“Shari?”

“Shari Argota. The model? They were supposed to be auctioned, too, but I heard they couldn’t make it.”

“Oh, yes, ma’am. I’d just been told.” He manages to keep the bitterness out of his voice, keeping it very carefully neutral.

The commander nods in understanding. “They just threw this at you, huh? I get that. Happens all the time.”

“I’m starting to notice that,” he says a little wistfully. “Do you go to a lot of these, ma’am?”

“Oh, yeah. This crowd loves it,” she says with a narrowed glance in the party’s general direction. “They’re all richer than they have any reason to be and they wanna pretend they care about charity when they’re really just getting away with buying people.”

Kaidan blinks - not really what he’d been expecting to hear. He’d been hoping to get some advice from someone who’s had to deal with this sort of nonsense before, not completely rational criticism. “Is it that unpleasant, ma’am?”

“Unpleasant?” She scoffs. “It’s plenty unpleasant, but only if you don’t know how to make a game out of it.”

“A game?”

“Yeah, y’gotta give them a little show, y’know?” She waggles her eyebrows at him, to his shock. “Nothing raunchy, obviously, but something to convince them to throw some real money on you. Like a little glance or a really good smile. I’m telling you, a good smile goes a long way with these people.”

“So, I just look at the crowd and smile?” he asks, dubious. “Will it be over quickly, then?”

“Well, you don’t actually _want_ it to be over quickly. The point is to keep them bidding. Make them fight for you a little.” Her smile turns sharp. “The men especially love getting into little pissing contests over who can drop the most money. If you get lucky, you might end up breaking some kind of charity record because some idiot has something to prove.”

“Ah. And if I’m unlucky?”

“Then it’ll be over quickly.” She gives him a sympathetic look that’s only a little amused. “Sorry, Guy, but it’s better to drag it out, just a little. Oh, and you don’t have to sleep with whoever wins, by the way.”

Kaidan blanches. “I didn’t think–”

“They’re gonna try, for sure, but it’s not like there’s a rule.”

“Is that something that happens often?”

“I can’t speak for other people’s experiences, but for me? All the time. You can say no, obviously.”

“Oh. Good,” he says, for lack of anything else to say. He’s not surprised these people would make a move on her. And if the rumors are to be believed, she’s not one to say no very often.

He gives his head a good shake - he shouldn’t think of her that way. That was horribly disrespectful and he knows better. The few tabloids he’s glanced at must be rubbing off on him. His mother would smack him upside the head for letting something so tactless about a woman, much less his superior officer, enter his mind. He must be more exhausted than he’d thought.

“Aw, don’t look so glum, Guy,” the commander says, misreading his sullen look and leaning over to give him a full blast of her smile, because _that’s_ helping his nerves. “If these people have any sense, they’ll send me up first. Best to have the headliner go up when the crowd’s pockets are deep. You should watch me work, see how I finagle them into giving me their life-savings. Not that they would have those.”

Kaidan chuckles in spite of himself. “I’m guessing you have a particular method, ma’am?”

“Absolutely.” She nods solemnly. “Depends on the race, usually. Humans like a lot of eye-contact. Makes them feel special. Asari are a different ballgame.”

“How so?”

“Most Asari don’t have much of a sexual interest in us, at least not at first,” she explains. “They think we’re cute and sad, like orphans. They go nuts for a puppy dog look. I’m not a fan of it, personally.” Kaidan nods, pretty sure he’d hate it just as much.

“Turians are also complicated. Try not to look them in the eye. They like you a little submissive.” She rolls her eyes. “It’s a weird power thing. Not all Turians are like that, of course, but if they go to these things, they’re probably into some weird shit.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You likely won’t have a Turian actually bid on you, though. They’d sooner die than have people know they’re into humans.”

Kaidan lets out a breath. “That’s reassuring.”

“Yeah, if anything, they’ll have a human bid for them. Appearances, you know.” The commander laughs at Kaidan’s grimace. “Aw, I know. Try to remember that this is for a good cause.”

Kaidan thinks on it for a moment and nods. “You’re right. I’ll keep that in mind. I suppose that’s the only way to get through it.”

She hums. “Sometimes, yeah. It also helps that I’m high off my _ass_ ,” she says, breaking off into a giggling fit at the end. Kaidan stares as she covers her mouth with her fist and grins toothily at him. She presses a finger to her lips with a _shhh_ and another round of cackling and he can’t quite believe what’s happening right now.

“And now, the woman you’ve all been waiting for,” the M.C. announces from just beyond the curtain. “Get your credits ready for the Hero of Elysium, Commander Shepard!”

The crowd roars with cheers and applause and the commander’s entire atmosphere changes. She steps away from the wall fluidly, her movements stable in a way that seems controlled now. She walks in the direction of the stage, but not before giving him one last glorious Shepard grin. “Show time.”

The second she steps through the curtain, the audience goes from raucous to deafening and Kaidan has to cover his ears to keep his head from exploding.

The bidding starts as well as expected, with the starting bid of a thousand credits. The number increases steadily until Kaidan feels the need to take a look and goes over to the very edge of the curtain. He peeks over it and finds himself facing the screen standing on one side of the room that shows the commander’s face. He thinks it’s just another poster for a moment before he recognizes the curtain behind her and realizes that it’s a live feed, a huge screen with just her face in high-definition for the bidders in the very back of the room.

She’s smiling, her eyes only a little unfocused. It’s easier to see how slightly hazy they are here, rather than backstage. Not like the crowd will notice, though, with the lighting making her look like she’s giving off her own glow. It’s hard to imagine her looking even better than she did backstage, but there she goes, hands in her pockets and looking both relaxed and ethereal, somehow.

“Ten thousand credits!” shouts a human from the crowd. Kaidan sees the commander’s eyes shift to something to her left. She tilts her head and does something very near a pout and in the next second an Asari cries out a higher bid. She turns to someone else, looking the person up and down and raising what looks like an expectant eyebrow at them. A deep, human voice throws in an even higher offer. Her glance shifts for barely a second before another bidder shouts a number, then another, and another.

The commander is barely moving and she’s got these people practically clawing at each other for her attention. The auctioneer seems to be struggling to keep up. Higher and higher offers are bounced about the room and before too long, they wind down to a trickle. There are only two bidders left, each offering more money than Kaidan can wrap his head around.

“Eight hundred thousand credits,” an Asari calls, sitting demurely at her table and looking unharried.

“Eight hundred and fifty,” announces a human man that Kaidan doesn’t know, but from the icy stare the commander gives him, he looks like trouble. He’s an admiral, the bars on his dress blues visible from here. Shepard is still smiling, but her eyes are hard and her posture is just a little bit more rigid than it was a moment ago. 

The battle goes on for another minute, neither bidder backing down until they’re nearing a million credits, when the Asari finally concedes. Kaidan can almost see the commander’s teeth grinding in her jaw.

“Nine hundred thousand credits going once!” the auctioneer barks. “Going twice–”

“One million credits!” Kaidan’s head whips in the direction of the voice and finds an elderly human wearing a long red gown raising her hand. The rest of the audience turn to her as well, but Kaidan’s looking at Shepard - her thick eyebrows are raised just a fraction higher than usual before her face relaxes again. Her smile is more loose now, amused, like she’s quietly laughing at this turn of events.

“One million credits going once!” No one moves to make a counter bid. “Going twice!” Silence. The auctioneer slams down her shining gavel excitedly.

“Sold, to the human in the red dress! We’ve just hit a new charity record!” The crowd bursts into applause and cameras go off in all directions, making Kaidan wince and lose track of what’s going on for a moment. He regains his vision in time to see the commander stepping off-stage easily, not wobbling even a little, and walking up to the winner with the camera following her the whole way. She bends over and offers her hand, palm up, for the old woman to take. Once she places her frail, little hand on Shepard’s, the commander leans in close.

“Congratulations, beautiful,” she says, her voice dripping in honey and broadcast for the whole room to hear. “I’m your prize.” She presses a kiss to the back of the woman’s hand and the party guests clap and sigh in what could either be fondness or envy. Kaidan can’t tell which from where he’s standing, but he can definitely see the smile lighting up the old woman’s face as she giggles and looks away shyly. The commander’s own smile is radiant and he’s glad it’s not pointing at him. 

Shepard moves to stand next to the old woman’s chair, not letting go of her hand. She gives the crowd an easy wave with her other hand and starts up another round of applause and cheers. The auctioneer moves on to the next person to be bid on, but Kaidan’s still looking at the commander. She’s bending over and talking to the old woman, laughing periodically with her smile sitting easily on her face. It looks different from the one she’d been sporting on stage and in countless photos. More natural.

Kaidan reels back and steps away from the curtain - he’d almost just been sucked in. She very nearly had him gazing at her dreamily the same way she had practically the whole party eating out of the palm of her hand when they’d been fighting for her time. He’s been told a million times that Commander Shepard was a force, but this just seems excessive.

“Next on our auction list, we have another decorated Systems Alliance soldier…” Kaidan hears the auctioneer announce. He groans - well, nothing left to do but to do it. She introduces him and he goes out with his back straight and his eyes pointed dead ahead. He stands where he’s supposed to stand and waits for it to be over, trying not to sweat too much under the bright stage lights. 

The bidding for him is decidedly less exciting, but he’s not complaining. He avoids looking at any one person in the audience, but his eyes still manage to find Shepard, her very presence like a beacon. She meets his glance and points at her own face before giving him a big, winning grin. He grimaces, more out of habit than anything else, and she only laughs, looking like a completely different person than the one who’d shot daggers with her eyes at that admiral. She doesn’t even look like the one who’d kissed the old lady’s hand, or the one who’d decided to call him ‘Guy’ backstage. It’s like she’d become fifteen different people in the span of an hour.

Good god, this woman is terrifying. He finds himself hoping they never work together for the first time since he heard about Elysium. He doesn’t care how pretty she is, he can’t deal with that kind of unpredictability in one person. Knowing the sort of work the higher-ups stick him with, it’s unlikely he’ll ever cross paths with her in terms of his actual military career.

Less than a year later, he’s stationed on the Normandy SR-1 and the universe does it to him again.

**Author's Note:**

> i definitely don't like how i ended this, but what can you do
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
